Dependent

Recently my life has been all over the place and I feel as if I'm putting that lightly. Everything seems to be falling apart one by one, there are nights when I cry myself to sleep just thinking about it. I was at a point where I just felt torn between what was truly right and what was wrong. I would speak to people about how I would be feeling, about what I was going through, but no one would really understand. Maybe I'm not too good at explaining. Or maybe telling people my problems isn't the right thing to do. It's not going to make it easier, sometimes it just adds to it. I just don't know,
We as humans are weak, more weaker than we actually think. We find ourselves  dependent on worldly needs. Whether it may be a person, an object or even a habit. There are times in our lives when we start to feel lost or confused without them. We start to forget that things in this world are temporary. Nothing stays in your life forever, the sooner we digest that, the easier life will be. Let's use a contemporary example: our phones. Some people actually live around their phone, without their phone they almost feel lost, it's almost like a lifeline. The moment it goes missing or it stops working, your life flashes before your eyes. It's sad when you think about it. It's an object, an object that holds no value. It's worth nothing so why should it mean anything?
But I guess it's different when talking about people. We find ourselves constantly wanting to talk to people about problems, sometimes even hoping they can take it away. But what makes them any different? They are just another person like you trying to go through life and their problems. So why should there be a need to annoy them with your own? Of course there are those who are always happy to listen and willing to help, but there is always a limit to everything. One day that person will start to have enough, one day that person won't be bothered any more and sooner or later you will start to sense it. But that's okay. Take that as a learning curve because trust me the only thing that will never get tired, frustrated on annoyed is ALLAH. Wallahi never ever, but we tend to forget this. With Allah you don't always need to use words or expressions, because Allah already knows. HE knows when your at your weakest, He knows when your at your best. He knows what's behind every tear. He knows what's behind every smile. But do we always acknowledge this? No we don't, we really don't. Allah is always there. Whilst people come and go for once has He ever left? NOO. NEVER. Why should we be dependent on something else when the only thing we should be dependent is the One that created us. Allah cares like no one could ever care. Not like your mother, not like your husband or what not. LIKE NO ONE.
There are times where I feel distant from Allah, where I feel as if I've lost the connection. maybe it's my sins coming to haunt me. Something I know I need to work on. But the one thing I know for sure is I know how to set my priorities straight.
For Allah said:

"So remember me; I will remember you and be grateful to  me and do not deny me"

(2;152)

Without Allah we are nothing, we would have been nothing. Without being able to fully depend on Allah is is a major flaw. A flaw that we all need to overcome, starting with me. We may lose all we have, we may lose the people we love. But as long as we have Allah, we have everything we need.

(O Allah! There are times when all I want to do is cry. There are times when I feel so weak. There are times when I feel so lost. I am a slave that needs guidance. Guide me to what you think is best. For verily it is only you who can put my heart at ease. Allahumma ameen.)

"Planned it all out"

There are certain days in my life where I like to spend my time just wondering and wondering some more. Where I would normally take the bus I would walk and those times of walking I would take the longer route, just so I could have that extra minute or so to clear my mind. Lately I've been doing that a lot (whether it's beneficial or not is debatable.) It's the same thoughts over and over again. Sometimes I try to block it out with plugging in my headphones and allowing the soothing voice of Omar Hisham Al-Arabi to mute it, but I guess sometimes your brain just needs to let it all out. 

As humans we have this thing about us that likes to know what we're doing. We like to have this plan, we like to follow things in a certain order.. Well some of us do anyway. This idea of "this is how it should be done and this is how I will do it." We often think that we are in control, we are the hands controlling the steering wheel.. no one else. But on that one occasion it slips out of our hands, hell breaks loose. We often don't prepare ourselves for the "If's" and the "But's" we go straight into something with out thinking of the consequences. Regrets only begin when it never worked out or it didn't go the way we planned it. But at that time it's too late. You can't pick up spilled milk now can you? 

This is what has me thinking soo much. Lately I've been asked about my future a great deal. People ask me as if I know what's going to happen, they ask me as if I have it all planned out.. if only they knew. Everyone has dreams, everyone has hopes and I'm not any different, but whether I will reach or achieve them is a whole different story. A story that no one knows the plot and twists to, apart from the All-Knowing. But one thing I do know is that it ends with me being returned to my Lord. That could be today or it could be tomorrow... I DO NOT KNOW. (I just pray that when that day comes Allah takes our life whilst in good). We plan and plan like we know what's going to happen. What if that career you want to go into becomes nothing more than a distraction from your Lord? What if that person you want to marry is nothing more than a disaster? What if all that money you want to make is nothing more than a Fitnah? We say we want this and we want that, but what we want is not always good for us and what we don't want could be what's best for us, Allah knows best. If only more people understood that.

We as individuals all want our lives to look a specific way and if it is good for us in this world and also in the next I  pray that Allah makes it easy for us. But those times when Allah takes things away from us I just Pray that Allah gives us the strength to understand that that's what's best for us. Something that we often forget is that Allah doesn't do things without reason. He may take something to replace it with something better. He may test us to bring us closer to Him. But whatever happens is for the best; nothing more or nothing less.

To those people who think MM has it planned it out... please think again. I pray for certain things to happen but whether it will happen is something that is not in my hands. Please try to understand that.

Oh Allah! I pray You remind me that Your plans for me are better than  what I dream them to be.

Ameen.