Don't know how to put this to words. I don't even know how the thought even crossed my mind, but I guess when your frustrated you'll take it out anything.. Anyways here it goes..
There are times in your life where everything and everyone just seem to upset or frustrate you; I guess a phase that everyone goes through. The smallest thing would upset me, the smallest thing would annoy me and this time I took it out on my blog. I had come to the conclusion that getting rid of it was the only way. I've been so reluctant to even upload this one. To some people it might come as a surprise, but honestly speaking it really shouldn't. I guess all writers go through a "rough patch." But that wasn't my reason. I just got fed up with myself. I guess I was slowly losing my confidence. My friends, my loved ones and even strangers would tell me how amazing my work was and I was just stressing over nothing. I appreciate their support but what's the point of posts being published if the author isn't satisfied with what's she's posting? Their comments would go through one ear and come out the other. I would spend hours crossing out, deleting or even ripping to shreds pieces of work. Right now if I scroll down my post lists there are so many draft posts, some finished, some unfinished. For me they are just not good enough. I would read through my blog and all I would want to do is delete it, act as if "Muffled Muslimah" never existed, make it something of the past.
At the time I thought I would feel better, I thought it was a way to remove my grief, but I guess I was being stupid and that's only putting it lightly. Writing is how I express myself, writing is what makes me feel free, writing is what makes me, ME. In that split second of frustration I had forgotten what writing had given me. Writing had given me the voice I thought I never had. Writing gave me the power to express myself without caring about what people thought. Just that feeling of being able to let everything out is just sometimes all I needed. If I stop writing, oppressed is what I shall become. Without writing I wouldn't be the person I am and Alhamdulilliah I'm grateful for that. So what if I'm not good at? So what if I'm not always satisfied with it? That person was right when they said I should reevaluate. I didn't start this blog for satisfaction or for the fame. I started this blog because I was fed up remaining quiet, I was fed up of just being a bystander. Whether people listen or ignore what I have to say does not bother me, at least I know I tried. "Muffled Muslimah" is part of me and it's just not something I can remove with a delete button, I know that now because the thought of it had me in tears. I'm a writer, writing is what I do and what I love. Whatever I do or say can NEVER change that.
(To those that stood by me when I was being that pessimistic cow, I don't know how to thank you. I just pray that Allah blesses you and rewards you with the best of Jannah Inshallah ❤ )
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